Paradox

Death?
Life?
What is the difference anyway?

I do not want to die,
But, actually, I really do not care;
Deads live forever in their friend’s
Memory; yet, the memory
Of the livings perpetuates
A last breath,
A last sorrow,
A last heart beat…

The loved dead lives forever…

On the other hand, I have existed
Since the beginning of the time,
I mean my time, I have hated
Everything, my friends,
My feelings, my lack of feelings,
The people, their sights,
Their whispers,
Their laughs,
Their touch…

I have no life;
However, I am not dead,
I breath,
I walk,
I love (kind of),
I hear,
I write,
I exist…
Is it enough?
No, it has been never enough.

What do I pretend?
Nothing. I am nobody.
I am nothing.

So far, it has been three times,
Not two, not anymore.
She does not know it,
And she does not figure it out.
I tried to escape without a clue,
Without witnesses,
Without scars,
Just silence and darkness,
Peaceful emptiness.
And I failed,
one more time I have failed.

Tomorrow she will know all about it,
And I will know almost everything
About It.
Do I want it?
No.
We need it.
She wants to be free,
To confess her pain,
To stand by my side,
To believe in me.
I need to be free,
To feel no more,
To hope no more,
To disappear from this laxity
Of misunderstandings that
I call existence.

Tomorrow I will be no more…
At least, that is what I am looking forward…